To my friend who died

When you look back, what will your best memory of me be? Will you look back? What made you leave to begin with? Could you not trust me to be there for you? Did you not want to see me no more? When you look back, will your life have not been worthy of a fight? When life left you, did I walk across your mind? When you look back, will it be to light my way or to curse my tomorrows?

Will you hold it against me, that after the first failure, I never wanted to try again? Will you believe that I never hated you but I hated what you did? When you’re looking back will you realise you that you should have been more? That you should have done more? When you look back will your mistakes matter or only your triumphs? Will you believe that your place in the world needs to be filled? Will you believe that you will be missed? Will you see the mark you made? When you look back will you ask for my forgiveness, should I give it to you anyway?

When I say goodbye, I will wish for happy tomorrow. I will remember you fondly, and relish the good memories. I will regret never making more and knowing that they will never come again. When I say goodbye I will hold the tears in celebration of our life. I will cover your earthly remains in red soil and imagine the burnt colour of the soil is the blood you spilt in fight for your beliefs, for your family, for friends. I will honor the memory and treasure the lessons. I will forgive and I will forget the hurt that finally separated us, reuniting with your spirit because it was never mean-spirited of cruel, just foolish and prone to mistakes as it is in life.

For your family I pray for clarity, for peace, for comfort. They must find solace in knowing you lived according to your own rules, never once wavering. You enjoyed every day of your life and never once short-changed yourself. Your chose your friends for heart and not for show. You forgave family even when they wronged you and always provided beyond the expected. I wish them the best in everything.

Rest in peace my friend,

ABCi