Not my shoes

Wearing another’s shoes is uncomfortable. I mean this literally. Even if you are the same size with the person, they might walk differently to you and therefore their shoes are shaped differently. Sometimes they have fat feet and your skinny feet might loll around in their cavernous step, wishing you would buy your own shoe and wear it.

I imagine living someone else’s vision of your life is much like voluntarily wearing your fat friend’s shoe. How much time do you spend scared you will do it wrong, that you will disappoint someone? How often do you question whether or not you are on the right path; unsure because you aren’t charting your path yourself?

Living in the shadow of expectation is hard.

As a mom, my children expect the very best from me; of everything I have to offer. They trust me to guide them through life, being their compass in the paths they choose and refuge when they are lost. They still expect me to guide them back to the right path but eventually they will resent my help, beaming like a flashlight in the darkness they will undoubtedly roam.  But these are expectations I welcome, these are expectation I have of myself as well.

As a woman in a relationship my partner has expectations, those expectations are often in line with elevating myself to a better me, a me he wants to show off more and be proud of more than he is of his own self. He expects me to love him the same as I first loved him even now three years after we met. He expects me to love him forever. And I will. Because he creates an environment where the first seeds of love he planted continue to flourish, he never rests on his laurels. I welcome fulfilling his expectations.

As a person I am burdened and weighed down by societal expectations. From my children I gain self and teach life to them, from my partner I gain knowledge and the value of sharing as well as a constant drive to be more. What do I gain from society? People demand you to conform and then they hate you for it. When you start your own route some follow while others frown on it and vow it’ll lead you straight to hell. Society should not be your moral compass but rather the people whose opinions you value. What my neighbour holds in high esteem is not necessarily what I would.

Having disappointed so many before it has taken me a while to divest myself of the guilt. The only reason they were disappointed is because I didn’t do what they expected, not because I didn’t do what’s right. I had no reason to write this blog expect to clarify to myself the fine line between my path and the path others carve for me.