A HAPPY Period, Always?

Always, have a happy period!

This line has always irritated me but I said to myself, “B you don’t use sanitary pads, don’t let it bother you.”

That was until I heard my TV bleating, “Always, have a happy peeeriod!” in a new and revamped version of this incredibly bizarre tagline which meant the happy voice over lady now SANG and I wanted to scream.

Have a HAPPY period? A HAPPY period?

Starting with the PMS period that many women use as a disgusting excuse to be mean, bitchy and eat like starving pigs to the icky sticky 5-day torture that is accompanied by the most torturous cramps to the days later when the face is dealing with effects of gorging on chocolate, a period can never be happy!

UGH!!

So I wanted to share with Always my best “happy period” story.

I was suffering from the most unbelievable PMS, which for me means a fever, a runny stomach and near-maddening thirst. I probably do have mood swings and am cranky but I like to think that is because I am mildly ill and spending half the day emptying my bowels. This PMS period is usually three or four days before the actual bloody assault on my privates. I was armed with my hot water bottle and medication made specifically for period cramps.

However, this one time the fever developed into a fully fledged flu and I was coughing up my lungs while tampons tried to shoot out of me all willy-nilly. I was in the shower and sneezed so hard my uterus peeked out for its first glimpse of the world and, defeated, I sat on the bath edge, and I contemplated removing the whole thing (uterus) and living a life free from the hell of periods for the millionth time

Amidst all of this, the TV bleated, “Always, have a happy period!” and the only thing that stopped me traipsing naked to pick it up and chuck it across the room was the fact that I was attempting to stuff uterus back into place, swallow a lung and breathe through the tearing pain in my lower abdomen. My hands were quite obviously full.

Then after a week, when I was safely back on just panty-liners and feeling human and clean again I looked at my face and saw the massive zits developing around my face, a reminder that I had gorged on three Cadbury Wholenut slabs and half a tub of chocolate ice cream along with an assortment of crisps. Another week of waiting for the lot to clear up while I walk around like a zit-faced teenager or an overly made-up woman trying to hide battery bruises.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAA

The TV pipes up, “Always, have a happy period!”

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!